Part of my struggle with wellness is my need to nurture just about everyone but myself. I am very willing to give up time to do something for myself in order to do something for someone else. And while I do see the positive side of this (I think it makes me a good wife, step mom, daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, co-worker, and friend), I also see the huge disadvantage it is for my personal well being (and my ability to be an awesome wife, step mom, daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, co-worker and friend). So one of the biggest challenges I faced this week is the guilt, disappointment, doubt, feeling of selfishness and emotional fatigue. I only have so much time and I am faced with a lot of guilt when I choose to spend that time on myself. This is affectionately referred to as being "terminally responsible" in my family.
Last October I moved my 94 year old Grandmother here from Pennsylvania and into a memory care facility here in Center Grove. I am the only family member who lives within 3 hours of here so all the visiting falls on me and "my boys" (my husband and stepson). This is a huge factor in my ability to balance taking care of me and taking care everyone else. I mean how can you NOT make sure your GRANDMA is 100% happy? I think the first month of the Project worked out OK because the retirement home was under quarantine with the flu for about 2 weeks last month so it was one thing I did not have to do and although I did feel bad about not visiting, I knew there was nothing I could do about it. This past week my Grandmother has been very upset (unusal behavior) and wants to move in with family. She has threatened to stop eating if she cannot do so- the guilt and emotional fatigue have grown significantly. I did CHOOSE to workout Thursday evening after work instead of going to visit her- it was a small victory, I think, I am really not sure.
The other item that is pulling at me is my sister is in the process of separating from her husband. It has not been an easy separation (not that I think any of them are easy) and there are 2 1/2 year old twins involved. My sister and I always lean on each other. She in fact was a major supporter in me signing up for the Project. I of course feel the intense need to do whatever I can to support her and I will- but there is cost for that. But does that cost have to include my well being? Again, I am not sure.
Today's meeting did help remind me that part of growing is getting through these challenges- it really is about the journey. I know taking care of my well being puts me in a better place to handle "life's speed bumps" and I do want that. I have to get over the emotional impact of me making those choices and that is the hard part.
This easy to write- hard to push the "publish" button... but I believe in this community and the strength I will gain from this. Thanks for reading...here I go...
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Patti,
ReplyDeleteYou hang in there girl! I just talked with Chris and a fellow project member this week about this very thing. There are times when our lives have us pulled in so many directions and it is hard when dealing with difficult things. My mother took care of her mom in our home for a number years before she passed away peacefully in her sleep. She was in good helath but her mi nd had gone. I witnessed the affects that her care-taking took on her. They were not good and my mother continues to struggle with weight and back issues. These things can be such a drain on you but it is life isn't it? Even if you cannot give 100% to yourself right now and reach the original goals, it is important to be mindful and at least maintain. Chris said it is so easy to backslide and get to a place that does no good for you. It is important in this time that you take care of yourself so you are there for your Grandmother and sister. Since your sister is aware of your intentions, perhaps when she needs to vent, you can do it while taking a walk in a park. Exercise is a great stress releiver and may help her out in the end as well. I too am a nuturer (is that a word?) so I know how easy it is to put yourself last so you can care and be there for others. I hope you have the strength for you first then the others. If you need to vent writing is a great form for that and we are all here for you. If I can be of any help (that is my nurture kicking in, let me know!) Hang in there, be strong and have a great weekend. Christine
Patti,
ReplyDeleteChallenges and emotional energy zappers for you right and left (all wrapped up with ribbons called love & responsibility, which pulls the heartstrings into play even more). Know I'm sending you out lots of good thoughts and energy.
It sounds like you and your sister have a great relationship and perhaps sharing with her where you're at might be of help in how you both discuss the fragility of her divorce and how often it's discussed and in what terms. As for your dear grandmother, bless your heart for being so concerned about her and wanting the best for her. I don't know the answer, but I do know that you must take care of yourself too. And maybe part of taking care of yourself is really exploring that tendency toward "terminal responsibility" (wow, great term) and coming up with strategies to counter that awful little voice of blame/shame anytime it tries to speak up and tell you that you aren't doing enough.
When I think of you grandmother, an analogy comes to mind that may just work for me, but I'll share it. You have parents out there that are in the same house and the same rooms with their child for hours on end, but there's little interaction, very little sharing, no growth between them. Then you have other parents who may only be able to spend 3 hours a day with their child, but that time is filled with discussion, homework helping, play, laughter, sharing. (My own two sisters are on these opposite ends so I've seen it in play.) So, the question becomes: is it the amount time we spend in each other's presence that matters regardless of the quality, or is it what we bring energetically to the time spent together to make it meaningful and valuable?
NOW, that said, let your heart be the guide. None of this is easy but I like to think that everything we do, every challenge we bounce up against, moves us toward some new enlightenment or opportunity for the self. Love to you!
Hi, Patti. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Ironically, I've felt guilty about my ability to do all the BTWG program demands for precisely opposite reasons. I don't have anyone making demands on me at all. My work is demanding, but I have no parter, no pets, no ailing parents, and my son is away at college. I bow to you and others who have to manage very demanding lives while also taking care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThis has not always been the case for me. There was a time, when as a single parent, I needed so much help to keep my head above "water." It was always difficult for me to admit that I couldn't handle it all by myself all the time.
A friend shared this Rumi poem with me some years ago and I found comfort in it and also realized what a gift needing another's help can be. I commend you for finding the courage to "cry out" to us -- your BTWG comrades -- in your message. Maybe there are others closer to you to whom you might also give the gift of needing their help.
Here's the poem. It's from the book, The Essential Rumi, translations by Coleman Barks.
CRY OUT IN YOUR WEAKNESS
A dragon was pulling a bear into its terrible mouth.
A courageous man went and rescued the bear.
There are such helpers in the world, who rush to save
anyone who cries out. Like Mercy itself,
they run toward the screaming.
And they can't be bought off.
If you were to ask one of those, "Why did you come
so quickly?" he or she would say, "Because I heard
your helplessness."
Where lowland is,
that's where water goes. All medicine wants
is pain to cure.
And don't just ask for one mercy.
Let them flood in. Let the sky open under your feet.
Take the cotton out of your ears, the cotton
of consolations, so you can hear the sphere-music.
Push the hair our of your eyes.
Blow the phlegm from your nose,
and from your brain.
Let the wind breeze through.
Leave no residue in yourself from that bilious fever.
Take the cure for impotence,
that your manhood may shoot forth,
and a hundred new beings come of your coming.
Tear the binding from around the foot
of your soul, and let it race around the track
in front of the crowd. Loosen the knot of greed
so tight around your neck. Accept your new good luck.
Give your weakness
to one who helps.
Crying out loud and weeping are great resources.
A nursing mother, all she does
is wait to hear her child.
Just a little beginning whimper,
and she's there.
God created the child, that is, your wanting,
so that it might cry out,
so that milk might come.
Cry out! Don't be stolid and silent
with your pain. Lament! And let the milk
of loving flow into you.
The hard rain and wind
are ways the cloud has
to take care of us.
Be patient.
Respond to every call
that excites your spirit.
Ignore those that make you fearful
and sad, that degrade you
back toward disease and death.
Oh wow, I love that poem.
ReplyDeleteOthers have spoken so well that I don't feel I can add any more wisdom. I have been where you are, and it is hard, and you need to remember that doing your best is all that you can do. And that includes doing your best to take care of yourself and asking for help. Feed your soul as well as your body.