Sunday, April 26, 2009
Getting Dirty- Space and Rabbit Holes
Still after 14 weeks, I am amazed by all the baggage that keeps cropping up. I definitely have had some "space" open up. It is an eye opening experience bringing clarity to some behaviors and making me really examine some others. I cannot say I am enjoying the process. I find it interesting, but painful. I guess I knew some of these deep, dark rabbit holes were out there but there have been some I really was not cognitive of until I was laying in the bottom of them kind of bewildered. Raw, open wounds from past relationships, 30 years of hearing about how to manage my weight (from both people who have weight problems themselves and people who have never had to be concerned about their weight- these would be my parents), emotional eating because I am pissed at the people who lecture me about my weight (how wrong is that), no postitive reinforcement from these same people when I was managing my weight in times past, and an overwhelming need to be all things to all people all the time. Yuck. I feel a little guilty (surprise, surprise) because earlier in the Project, Kelly posted about running into these sorts of things and in a moment of blog bravado, my comment was to stick some dynamite down those rabbit holes and blow them wide open and face it head on. Wow- pretty damn cocky. I apologize Kelly. I realize now it is not that easy...definitely messy and I am really not sure what to do with some of it now that I dug it up.
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Patti
ReplyDeleteWow, what pain you have expressed. I am so sorry that, in your past, there was never anyone there for you, providing the support and encouragement we all need and deserve.
You know what I find so amazing is how scientists, docs, nutritionists are finding out NEW things about our bodies every day. The latest thinking is that each and every body is different and, hence, needs different food types to be at its optimal and healthy best.
All those critics out there who thought they had one up on you because they didn't stuggle with their weight (on the outside, now we know there is internal fat that can be far more serious). Truth is, maybe they just lucked out in that the food fad of the day met their unique body needs. It wasn't their discipline or their will power... it was just dumb luck that they kept weight off.
I predict that you will have the last laugh yet. This group and Chris' BTWG is such cutting edge stuff. As you continue to study and explore this well living philosophy, hopefully you will be able to see the critical or insensitive remarks by "well meaning" others in a new, enlightened way. Hopefully, you can let go of their remarks and see them as THEIR issues, not yours.
Hang in there and don't quit. You are on a path that will lead to much wisdom and insight.
Namaste, Alison
Patti:
ReplyDeleteI am never sure what to do with it - except talk about it, cry about it, laugh about it, and know that you are not crazy in your need for love and affirmation, and you are not alone! And you are far braver than you even know ... I couldn't believe it when I read your blog, please see mine. I am in some major rabbit holes as well and am here with you!
Kelly
Hey Patti:
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing post. Take comfort in the fact that you are SO not alone in your challenges -- we are all facing them. Although you may not have gotten the support you needed in the past, it is here now.
And I still want you to come to Chris's yoga class if for no other reason than I want you to realize that you can do it. You spoke about feeling "terrified," and as I told you at the final testing, I will be happy to put my mat next to yours and help you through it. You will make it!
Keep on digging, Patti, and sharing with us where you're at... and maybe even sharing your same sentiments with those folks whose words or lack of them are hurtful. Makes me wonder if they aren't in the same situation we found ourselves in before BTWG...each of us was fulfilling the same habitual routine regarding food, exercise, stress, day in, day out. It took BTWG and Chris' guidance to help us even begin to recognize our patterns, examine the "why" of them, and then start to reshape them....makes me wonder if the folks you referenced are at that point of NOT even really recognizing their own habits, their own repetitive responses to you, their inability to respond to the "you" that you are at this moment. (It's late - does that make any sense?) Have you read Celestine Prophecy ? If not, let me know and I'll bring the book to yoga and give it to Dave - will mark certain pages that come to mind reading about people who criticize to create drama.
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